What are Feelings Anyways?

Volume 3 / 11.12.22

Hey, it’s been awhile, hasn’t it? Well while I might have been MIA, life certainly hasn’t. You know, at least you can always count on life keeping on doing what it does best, life-ing.

I have been in therapy for about two months now, so YAY! It’s really hard for me to believe that I have never regularly seen a therapist at any point in my life. Like, not even during my childhood cancer treatment was it required or suggested for me see anyone for my mental health. I was just expected to be a dying 10 year old, trying to fight for her life, while also figuring out how to navigate my thoughts and emotions during an unprecedented time. That’s fucked up honestly.

So, here I am now, having to pick up all the pieces from my traumatic childhood, while also trying to adult after a very turbulent year of adulting. Fun stuff! Here are some of the even more fun “breakthroughs” my therapist and I have had:

Not a Psychopath Though

The day I was diagnosed, I in a way switched off my emotions and haven’t really felt a real or strong emotion since. From that point on, I had to learn to start being strong for everyone around me. The thought of what would happen if my parents lost me was more terrifying that the though of me dying. I kept my head high still and fought for something, but not for my own life. It was then I learned how to fake being “okay.” I cannot explain the confusing feeling of everyone around me crying, and being upset about me having cancer while I was actually the one who was dying. Like shouldn’t I be the most broken? But, I had to learn to push that back and comfort those around me — telling them that I’ll be okay, being strong and fighting, smiling through the pain.

The faking how I truly felt on the inside was only exasperated when I started to become involved in charities for childhood cancer research. While still on-going treatment, I was asked to speak about cancer and my experience going through treatment at these galas in front hundreds of people. I learned that they didn’t want to see the kid who was actually dying, they wanted to see the kid who was persevering and strong. The one who looked like she was surviving, okay and healthy despite all odds, and who had a bright, long future ahead of her. "Currently on her deathbed" didn't get the big donations.

I’m glad I did because, yes, it was for a good cause. But, you can understand how messed up all that is at the same time. This underlying noting of “hiding my emotions” has unfortunately carried very heavily into my adulthood. As my therapist explains, I don’t feel feelings. I think feelings first, then actually feel them. For example, I know I’m supposed to react this way in a situation or feel a certain way about a circumstance, then make myself feel the appropriate feeling. Almost like I manipulate my mind into forming emotional responses. That’s only slightly psychopathic, right?

This behavior has made me very adaptable to those around. I can almost chameleon myself. Didn’t quite help growing up and knowing I was different, so I thought I had to act the same as my peers to fit in. But in reality, I had no idea how to relate.

All I Do Is Try

All of the before-mentioned feeds directly into the next breakthrough: the realization that my childhood was very isolating. Besides the obvious facts -- I was ripped away from my friends and family to spend three years in hospitals, and half of those three years were in a hospital across the country. The day after I was diagnosed, I immediately left to St. Jude’s in Memphis, Tennessee, where I would end up spending half of my treatment. I was able to say goodbye to my best friend and dogs briefly the night before, then shipped off to be poked, prodded, and injected with high does of extremely harsh chemicals (I cannot express how much fun that was…). I was basically living a similar lifestyle as a child of divorce, yet simultaneously fighting cancer. I only got to see the my family and friends part-time. And that was even if could see them, depending on my immune system.

It was also isolating because I didn’t have the same shared experiences of all my friends. My childhood didn’t consist of playgrounds and slumber parties, it was doctors appointments and long chemo days. So, when I was able to see my friends, I didn’t understand or relate to ANYTHING. Getting boobs? I had a flat chest with an intravenous port. Teacher’s being unfair? I had special conditions. Fighting with friends? No one was going to be mean to the cancer kid. Liking boys? I was bald and sick, who would ever like me. Drama from last birthday party? Couldn’t go because my A1C was too low.

But I didn’t want to be left out. So, what did I naturally do? Faked it! Pretended to know what they were talking about, feeling, etc., doing anything I could to feel like I related more to the people surrounding me. I still do that. I can fit into any crowd and make friends with anyone. I learned to mimic other’s behaviors to be more alike because I felt so different and alone.

While I was trying so hard to adapt myself to others, I began to realize the flip side. No one will ever understand me? Unless they went through the same life experiences and trauma, no one could relate to me. So, while I tried so hard to be present and fit in with others to feel like a normal kid, in actuality I was just experiencing my childhood in solitude. Even when I try explaining what I went through now to people, it still feels extremely one sided because no, they will never truly understand. Some do try and I love them for that, but my life has been so drastically different, so how could I expect them to get it?

Growing up and trying so hard to just be normal or accepted by my peers unfortunately turned me into the biggest people pleaser. We love a good trauma response side effect! I’ve become the person who would literally drop everything and be there for someone in a drop of a hat if they needed me. This isn’t even an over-exaggeration, but I would die for those around me (you know that whole self-value issue from Volume 1). I give so much of myself just to be seen and loved. And the level at which I give, is often not reciprocated in the level I want or mainly need in my adult relationships. So, I constantly end up in one-sided friendships where I'm used.

This is where the it comes full circle. Not having relationships that are fueling the energy I’m giving just inflates my feelings of being alone in the world, isolated, unwanted, and embarrassed by the real me.

And let’s come full circle just one more time... You know how I don’t really show my feelings? So, on the rare occasion I do bring up things or share how I’m really feeling. I’m seen as emotional, dramatic, unhinged even, because I rarely get upset so it seems like comes out of nowhere. Or when I do talk about something in life that is upsetting or shitty, I’m given the, “you’re strong, you’ll get through this,” speech. Why am I not allowed to fall apart, be weak, or lean on someone else? After the year I’ve had, that’s all I want. But, I know I can’t, because no one will be there to help me pick up the pieces. Just good old fighter me.

I Love Chaos!

The last breakthrough that I feel comfortable sharing now, is apparently I choose chaos in my life. Since from the age of 10 my life consisted of very unorthodox things in a very unique, and chaotic way. Feeling that uneasy, unsteadiness, craziness is comfortable for me. That need for chaos can sometimes pill into my work, relationships, lifestyle choices. So, yes, I am also the problem and I recognize it. (Not ALL the time though!) After identifying the problem, I am now working on channeling that chaos for good. Might become my new superpower?

To wrap Volume 3 all up in a nice bow, last session my therapist said to help with the process of opening up my real emotions, I needed to sit down with my sister or my best friend and share all of these feelings from my childhood experiences. But I thought, why stop there and not just share them with everyone. I gotta say though, I’m not sure I really like this feeling things lol.

Live, Laugh, Love ~ Claire